Frosty The Snowman Was A Kidnapping Thief From Queens

Seasons greetings, sheep! Yea, I’m accusing Frosty of several crimes this evening. I won’t stand for his bullshit anymore.

With December knocking on our front door as loud as it possibly can, we’re regressing into children. Watching cartoons, eating cookies ’til we puke, crying because we won’t get everything we want this year. On the usual list of cartoons to watch during the holidays, we have Frosty The Snowman.

I caught up on this classic a few days ago, but this time, the childlike wonder was missing from my eyes. That little glimmer of life – gone. The magic seemed FAKE. The story had PLOT HOLES. This cartoon is PROBLEMATIC! I’m going as far as to say we have several crimes to solve, a ton of accomplices to lock up, and justice begging to be served.

Let’s start at the beginning, with the shitty magician who had his own hat stolen by a White Rabbit.

The Initial Victim – The Magician

Bozo over here tried turning a quick buck by performing a few parlor tricks in front of a room of schoolchildren. He sucks as a magician, so the performance sucks, and the kids lose interest. They run outside to build a snowman. The White Rabbit, whom the Magician BROUGHT with him and presumably cares for on off hours, snatched his hat and ran directly to Frosty. The kids take this stolen hat, put it on Frosty, and he comes alive.

The Magician, seeing now that the hat really *is* magic, wants it back. Not that he gave it up in the first place, it was literally stolen. He goes with the standard “I ain’t seen NOTHIN” when asked if he saw Frosty come to life, and whispers manically to the rabbit that he’s going to be a Billionaire Magician with this hat. The kids are FURIOUS, tell the magician to go fuck himself, and the rabbit eventually sneaks away with the hat again and back to Frosty. Who, by the way, has a VERY thick New York accent that is never explained.

Accomplice #1 – The Town Police Man

Now Frosty is parading through town, leading this group of kids away from a schoolyard and towards the NORTH POLE. He terrifies the townspeople with his existence, and keeps acting like he runs the joint. While crossing the street with his hoard of stolen children, he comes upon the Law.

The policeman stops Frosty for jaywalking. Karen, one of the stolen children, explained that Frosty has “just come to life, so he doesn’t know of such things” like a red light or a stop sign. The police officer inexplicably ignores the fact that he’s 1. an alive snowman, 2. leading a group of children to a second location (which we all know means murder thanks to JJ Bittenbinder) and of course, 3. allowing himself to be completely disrespected by a pile of packed snow. Dirty cops running this town.

Accomplice #2 – The Ticket Man

Here we are adding another person to the long list of people who did NOTHING. Mr Ticket Man, manning the train tickets for all people looking to head over to the North Pole. Based on the fact he’s asleep when they arrive, I’m thinking nobody ever takes the train. Regardless, he goes through the song and dance of ringing up the ticket, only to find out Frosty is broke. He can’t pay anything, and he never intended to. Now, the Ticket Man doesn’t just “let him go on the train” which I respect. But, he ALSO did not call the authorities to alert them that this Alive Snowman is trying to bring a group of children onto a train and out of town without parental supervision or permission.

But wait, what’s this?

How convenient!! A refrigerated boxcar! Filled with ice cream and Christmas cakes!

Frosty hops onto the train illegally, and begins the journey to the North Pole. But not before he decides there are too many kids around – he needs to focus on just one if he’s going to successfully kidnap her. Karen, the bumbling idiot, tells Frosty “I’m sure my mom won’t mind, as long as I’m home for supper!”

(Pictured above, Accomplices #3-#7 – The Schoolchildren)

Ope! Let’s not forget, the pissed off Magician from earlier is now seeking revenge, and has also become a train stowaway. He is no longer only the victim, but also a proven stalker with a premeditated attack plan he’s now carrying out.

The journey to the North Pole is fine until Karen realizes she’s a human being who was just kidnapped by a Snowman and rabbit, forced to sit inside of a refrigerated boxcar in the dead of winter for an unspecified amount of time.

Now it’s dark, Karen’s about to freeze to death, and Frosty’s starting to get worked up over the fact his hostage is going to die. He starts looking for a “warm place.”

After failing at forcing the woodland creatures to keep a fire going, and the Magician is chasing after them, Frosty slides down the mountain and stumbles upon a random Poinsettia greenhouse in the middle of the woods.

He breaks in, leaves the door open for an ABSURD amount of time, and gets locked in by the Magician.

Now, I wish I could tell you more interesting shit was going to happen, but it doesn’t. Frosty melts. Santa (our final Accomplice) shows up, brings him back to life. Gives the Magician his own hat, everyone goes home happy.

Where is the justice system on this one? Are all of these people going to get off scott free? For those keeping score at home, Frosty committed the following crimes:

  • Jaywalking
  • Contempt of Cop
  • Stealing
  • Kidnapping
  • Endangering a child
  • Endangering an animal
  • Trespassing
  • Public Nudity and Lewd Behavior

It’s simply unacceptable. And as for the REAL ACTUAL Person-At-Fault? The one who started it all?

The fucking ungrateful rabbit. Running away from his owner and leaving him out to try. Helping a thief come to life and wreak havoc. Not a single mention of his wrongdoings.

FOR SHAME.

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