“All I Know Is Just Eat The Food.” A Full #TheBachelor Recap Of How Miserable Colton Was At Everyone’s Hometowns

Sorry for missing #TheBachelor last week.. I rewatched and here’s a live-blog of my reactions. I’m sure each of these “tweets” would’ve gotten thousands of favs and endless retweets, so just imagine they did. I’ve put up a recap video on my @WhineWithKelly IGTV, and it’s basically like I never missed anything. Bachelor Nation never sleeps*

*unless you decide Monday at 8pm is the perfect time for a 16 hour nap

Also, I’ve been hanging out with the crew over at Hangtime; check out our videos bc Beth and I are hysterical. Try to ignore the fact that I don’t know what to do with my hands in any of these videos. Here are a few:

Now onto Hometowns:

Caelynn’s hometown is first. She hails a “taxi” but it’s just a horse and a carriage. Haaaahaaaahaaaa omg Caelynn ur so CrAzYy and SiLLyyyy

Their visit to Carl’s ice cream has me wanting ice cream REAL BAD. I went to Ample Hills in Chelsea after brunch last week even though it was 30 degrees and I’m about to go do it again.

Um do we always have the entire town showing up to sing the girl’s praises at hometowns? Feel like Caelynn’s up for sale or something

(I’m watching this on ABC on demand through my AppleTV and there are commercials that I can’t fast forward; there was just a NEIL LANE commercial. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that. Incredible)

Colton: “I want to make a cheers and toast” lol what? Make a cheers? Act like you’ve had a drink before

I think it’s Caelynn’s sister? Who’s fake eyelashes are OUT OF CONTROL

Caelynn’s mom is precious. Lots if respect for her to say “I don’t think either of you are ready.” PREACH MAMA

“All these things you spoke about, it sounds like you guys should just be friends!” – Caelynn’s dad. Caelynn’s parents DO NOT want this engagement to happen

Loving Caelynn’s dad grilling Colton. Laying down the hammer

Overall that was sweet. It’s not happening for Caelynn and Colton though. Not a chance. Sentimental music has me thinking they might be setting her up to be Bachelorette……

Next up – MY GIRL HANNAH G!!! We’re in Alabama. Hannah just jumped on Colton and I’m not even going to talk shit about it.

HAHAHAH Colton’s face about etiquette class. I took an etiquette class once and it was so backwards. Guess I’m just too white trash to be ~*broken*~

“I would walk around this whole house with a book on my head for you, Hannah” – Colton prob

Lol this class is a disaster. “All I know is just eat the food”

Hannah’s family also very skeptical of Colton. I’ll be honest, he looks like the least threatening guy of all time. Not sure why everyone thinks he’s so shady

I love how all of the families are so worried about the girls’ hearts getting broken. Heartbreak is so un-funny that they’re having serious ass talks after they’ve known the guy for 6 weeks

Omg Hannah’s mom. “Go with your gut. If you think he’s worth it, you get it girl” ***TEARS***

Onto Orange County with Tayshia. She’s blindfolding Colton. Unclear why. It’s already stupid and I’m really wishing I could fast forward on my device right now.

The only time I’d ever get into a car with a blindfold on and driven to an unknown destination would be if I were convinced by the love of my life. And that’s probably how I’ll get murdered

The only reason I wouldn’t go skydiving is because if I die, I don’t want people saying “well, she went skydiving. What did she expect”

I just don’t buy that Colton actually likes Tayshia. I feel like their conversations just go in circles and nothing is ever actually said

“The last person I did bring home was my ex husband” LOL I FORGOT TAYSHIA IS DIVORCED. Amazing

Tayshia’s dad is NOT having this bullshit. He wants nothing to do with Colton. “HOW COULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH MULTIPLE PEOPLE” lol lol so awk

Colton is terrified of Tayshia’s dad after this real talk convo about love. As he should be

Colton asking EVERY dad if he can marry their daughter seems a little weird to me. Not a great visual for our boy

“If Colton were to ask you to marry him right now what would you say?” “I…would…say….yes?” Tayshia AKA Miss Confident In Her Relationship in the HOUSEEEE

(I can’t believe we still have Cassie’s hometown to go to. Hometown episodes are truly the worst)

We’re in Huntington Beach now and I’d rather be watching the live feed of it through a screen inside of a Hollister instead of going to meet Cassie’s family

“She’s the perfect balance of sexy and cute” – Colton quoting Crazy Stupid Love on us!

Cassie’s hometown is def the most beautiful, I’d be fine settling down in a place like that

Cassie’s family reminding me of the Jerry’s family from Parks and Rec. Just a bunch of hot ass blondes and a random dad

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I truly don’t know how anyone can tell anyone apart in Cassie’s family. They are all CLONES

Uh oh. Everyone’s skeptical of Colton here too. Can’t this guy catch a break?

LOL Cassie already scream fighting with her family about how ridiculous this all is. Bachelor Families are getting WISE to this game and they are NOT HAVING IT

“It’s a forever decision” – Cassie’s dad. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me!!!” – Cassie. If you’re worried about whether or not your parents will be MAD AT YOU for who you are dating/marrying, you’re not ready to get married.

I now think that Colton will pick Cassie because he was basically told he can’t have her. Typical guy moves

Oh man a rose ceremony? Really dragging this episode out. Hope Tayshia goes home. However I love her DRESS


Damn. Caelynn went home? I’m honestly shocked after her entire family tried to sell her to Colton like a prized pig or some shit

Oh no. Hannah’s rapping. I heard about this during the week and I told myself, surely, it couldn’t be that bad. It is that bad. I’m mortified holy shit.

Anddddd that wraps up arguably the worst episode of every Bachelor/Bachelorette season, Hometowns. Thank god its over.

I WILL be live tweeting as usual tonight, with my IG Live at 10pm on @kelly.keegs. It’s fantasy suite night, and you know what that means……we’re getting SEXY. I’ve got the perfect robe.

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