It’s Time To Rip The Band-Aid Off

In news that a very small group of people care about, after tomorrow’s episode with Lyric Lewis drops – Whine With Kelly will be taking a hiatus until The Bachelor returns in January. “Lol what? You still have a podcast?” Yes, I do, and it’s been my saving grace for the past three years but I just don’t have the capacity at the moment to feel good about what I’m putting out. The interviews are always great because I’m lucky enough to have an awesome booker who wants me to do well, but just doing interviews and ignoring the extra 45 minutes I normally record is just lazy and complacent. I figure that when the hobby I’ve loved for so long becomes a burden, it might be time to pump the breaks and get back to a place where it can be fun again.

I also want to be clear about something – I’m going through some real shit, and the only way I’ve really dealt with it is by tweeting psycho babble bullshit. I even blogged about how I was thankful for tweeting about it and getting a kick in the ass to do something about it. This isn’t the way I should be dealing with any of this. I’m almost 28 years old. Social media is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me/society, in my opinion. I was a little too vague I think in my last blog about my “whole life being ripped out from under me.” Yes I got dumped, no I’m not taking it well, but I wish nothing but happiness and success for someone I admired, respected and loved with all of my heart. While all of this was happening, I was laid off from my job, and also had to move into a new apartment where I lived alone. I’d never lived alone, so it’s taken me more than half a year to be comfortable being alone with myself. It took me a full 7 months to get a new job. Going from being extremely comfortable with my career, personal life and self confidence (for probably the first time, ever) to sitting in a studio apartment 24/7 ruminating with no job, what felt like no support system and no desire to reach out to friends will take a toll on you mentally. Watching people live their lives all around you when you can’t imagine getting out of bed is a feeling I don’t wish on anyone. I’m starting to grasp all of this and I’ve got all hands on deck to try and take my life back. I’m triggered by everything on the internet, I’ve admitted to looking for things that piss me off, I get texts and photos sent to me on the regular of things I don’t want to know or see. It’s been tough. But this isn’t about pity, it’s more of an explanation as to why I’m acting the way I’m acting. “Holding myself accountable” kind of thing, which I’ve explained before is the only way I can get shit done. I don’t recognize this person I’m being, and I want to try whatever I can to change it. It’s true what they say, 27 is the worst year, but thankfully I’m nearing the light at the end of the tunnel on this dumpster fire. I’m a fucking bad bitch and it’s taking more time than I’m comfortable with to remember that.

I wrote a blog a few months back about a diagnosed Psychopath and how it hit me that I throw that term around a lot. I assume people are acting crazy and I talk shit about it basically for a living. What I’ve learned recently based on the level of shit being talked about me (yes, I see it, I see it all) is that these people are doing exactly what I’ve been doing my whole life. The “public” knows the SMALLEST amount of information possible, they hide behind computers and spew bile all over the place. I’ve never had a problem with haters, capitalizing on them every chance I get and I’m usually a pretty open book. But when I’m in such an out-of-mind state with so much happening in my head I just need to step away from the people who egg me on before I explode. I’ve been comparing myself to an over-boiled teapot lately. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that, and I certainly don’t want to act impulsively and hurt other people simply because I’m dealing with my own demons.

I’m sick of feeling like a stranger to myself. I’m exhausted all of the time driving myself insane. I’m tired of alienating my friends and family and making people uncomfortable. And for that reason, I’ve gotta see myself out for a while. I’ll pop back in here and there because let’s be honest, the “I need people to hear my opinions” part of me hasn’t gone anywhere. And I do truly love writing, always have, always will. So I’m not disappearing completely. Just toning it back, maybe less sad song Spotify screenshots, less high tweets about the meaning of life. But I need to give a huge shoutout to all of the people who have shown me they care enough about me to be real with me and tell me it’s finally time to take control of myself. You know who you are and you’ve saved me from so much more than you know. True friends really are the goddamn truth.

I’ll catch you hoes back on the pod in January. We’ve got The Bachelor AND Award Szn to look forward to. One day at a time.